Unearthing (another) meaning of Apocalypse

(This is probably the most meaningless post I’ve ever written, and I mean it. ‘Cos I’m just trying to do a Harold Camping here, making nonsense out of well… nonsense. I know the frenzy he created has fizzled out, but we should remember him for convincing people to do some literally crazy sh*t. Who else today can make people waste their life savings in the name of a ridiculously hypothetical disaster? Well if people are so jobless, they might as well spread the truth through the ‘conspiracy’ I’m bound to create.)

Disclaimer: I’m tired of doing this again and again, but if I don’t, them Christians might actually start their own version of Fatwa…perhaps calling it the Holy Assail. I wish I could do a Dan Brown, you know, do an extensive research and write an actual book on my findings someday. But just so it becomes a national bestseller, I don’t want it to be adopted by Bollywood….Hic! I think I did so much of soul-sucking that I actually choked myself.

[Inspired by Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal on Conspiracy theorist, DO CHECK THIS OUT! http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2240#comic]

Well…here goes.

There are advices or statements that need to come with exceptions. (http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2Exa5M/www.cracked.com/blog/the-6-most-quoted-pieces-advice-that-are-usually-wrong/)

For example, never lie.
Exception? When you say “I do” as the groom.

Here’s another one.

Always stand up for yourself. Never back down, or take sh*t from others. If they screw with you, show them the finger.
Exception? In an encounter with a hijra.

I was travelling in an auto(rickshaw) watching a random audition of Roadies. They were bullying this guy for being a coward. I got that temporary feeling of buffing up your chest and saying to yourself,” No one’s eva gonna f*ck with me. Eva!” till when the auto halted all of a sudden. It was a long traffic jam. I put my mobile back into the bag and dozed for a while.

Snap!

I was woken by a slap on my thigh by a couple of hijras.

The usual “Give 10 rupees!” followed. Very, very and very unfortunately I only had a 100 with me. I asked the auto-driver to donate now and that I would include that in the payment later. To which he said “No change” (Really??? The whole I’m-not-so- cheap-to-have-change-although-I-drive-an-auto act? In these dire moments of distress?)

They continued harassing. I was getting angry and nervy at the same time, and that too not in a metastable state. I was behaving like Vikram in the climax of ‘Anniyan’, yelling at them to go away while also pleading for mercy when they made their ‘advancements’. The signal changed colour, and the auto chugged into motion. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. But during that process, one of the hijras’ heads received a slight bump. He/she yelled something out of rage at the driver, to which he too got really furious (Notice how usage of pronouns become easier when different, err mixed genders are involved).

He chose to retaliate, and stopped the auto near the pavement; a heated conversation in Kannada commenced. I could make out “You deserved this for harassing my valuable passenger!” Then the worst that one could ever imagine, happened. No, I take back what I just said; NO ONE’s insane enough to imagine that. Not ready to lose, the hijra proceeded to his/her ‘Fatality’ move (Mortal Kombat fans, anyone?). I moved my head away and asked the driver to leave the whole damn thing. To which the auto driver too started unzipping! I shut my eyes and covered myself with my bag. Ever had those moments when you wanted to prevent your mind from forming horrifying mental images but you became tragically late in doing so? This was one of them. It was also one of those rare moments in life when you are better off checking out Medusa and turning into a statue. It was like Judgment Day; I was ready to come clean and ask God for forgiveness from all the sins I’ve done, anything to save myself from the ongoing atrocity.

Wait a minute!

There were striking inferences to be made from the whole situation. For once, I finally realized why the Book of apocalypse itself was called ‘Revelations’. Camping hated all people who weren’t straight, as he felt they were morally responsible for Judgment Day. The world isn’t new to nude LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) parades. The day when such a worldwide parade happens, involving every non-straight gender alive… that would be the true Apocalypse - (insert Mallu accent) the real hell!

Word of advice - Don’t form mental images of the incident.

Oh yea, I did leave unscathed. Loud honking forced the driver to come back to his auto. This would be the one and only time when I appreciated Bangalore traffic; well God does take different forms, doesn’t He?